Insanity letters to myself Letter 1-Happy monsterating

Dear me,

The insanity of wanting something so much and then not getting it is heartbreaking.

Let me back up first so everybody get a context of what I am talking about. Motherhood, at some point a lot of women wants to be mothers, but not all are lucky enough to get pregnant straight away or not at all some times. Some have it experienced it and be heart broken each month when you see that all the symptoms you were having and thinking you were pregnant is just a bad case of the worst PMS of history again.

I am one of those women. I am not disappointed that I entered my shark week , but the anxiety of am or am I not before is ever wrecking. I talked about it too much with strangers that know me and I feel the pity in their eyes and the phrase “it will happen don’t worry”, it makes it all of a more heartbreaking.

So instead of going to a professional as I would normally do . I decided to write letters to myself of my feelings and weird psychological things I put myself to. Probably I am the most mondane person there is, but writing about it always helped me me more than talking it about it.

So here I am telling you sometimes monsterating is disappointing because you are not pregnant, but simply preparing for a new cycle.

I hope by writing those letters I would give a little lightness to the situation of trying to conceive and people will laugh, cry and be excited with me and maybe share your stories with me so we be in this together.

In matter of life and death

I always get weird when people say:

I am pregnant!

Someone that I know and love died!

Why you tell me this news? I am horrible person to react on this news.

Scenario one:

I am pregnant!

me: yay!(not) why? didn’t you use contraceptive method? are you going to keep it?

their answer: yes! I am so happy!

me: are you sure you going to keep it? what about a job, are you ready?

I become the worst nightmare I doubt everything, bringing a life into the world is a big deal.

Scenario two:

someone is dead:

me: I am so sorry, for the record you are alive,

or they lived a happy life and an awkward pat in the back.

I feel so guilty not be able to be a normal human being when it comes to those situations, now when I hear that kind of news I am like and this is my cue to go.

Do people feel like that? Are there people out there that they more awkward than me? please tell me I need to know that I am not alone in this.